November 30, 2011
Last night I had a wow moment…………….
I thought I was done with the breaking! I thought I had been dealt with already! I thought all the corners of my old life had been cleaned up! Then wham! Wow….
It turns out that the process continues. I guess even good fruit gets bruised. Shallow wounds. They too have to heal slowly. I thought it was all behind me. I thought I let everything go. Apparently there will always be little things that come up and nag aloud until you deal with them.
I realized last night that God wants it all. Even the things that are the ugliest to you – God knows. The things that are the smallest little nothings to us, God knows. He wants it all.
Things that I had forgotten about…..hmm….It’s funny how with a renewed heart how it really rears its ugly little face again. Apparently God knew that there was something I was holding on to and didn’t even know it. That bruised fruit that He was watching rot. That one single thing in my life that was inadvertently holding me back. Well last night I let go of it. I threw it away. Actually, I threw it at God and let him deal with it. I don’t want anything that would stop me from moving forward.
The bruised fruit – God will take it. Anything that you can give, anything left standing in your way of becoming more Christlike – Give it away. I didn’t even know I had not given it away. Though, God has a way of hovering and micro-managing so to speak, until you deal with what’s on your heart. After all, he made your heart and he knows even the slightest transgressions against yourself or him. Sometimes only he can clean up the ugly mess you made of your heart.
I guess this is how it will be from now on. There really never is a “done” in your spiritual journey. You are never a completed task to God. I have always been that person to look at due dates and deadlines and focus on the finality of the project. How do I get a project without a deadline? How am I supposed to keep working on something that will never complete? Day by day is the answer. Keep growing, keep deepening the relationship. Keep working on yourself. You can only be better tomorrow than you are today.
I pray you deliver your bruised fruit to God today.
November 29, 2011
I never really thought of it before. When I was looking for a husband, I didn’t seek Gods advice. I never even thought it mattered much. I had assumed that whosoever walked in my life, and things went well, and he met certain check boxes in my “needs” category – I was good. And that must’ve been a Godsend, right?! Well then… Amen and halelujah!!
First of all, my first check box now is to make sure he is a godly man. His soul needs to be saved and purified by God. I never really realized that in order for a man to truly give love – they have to have first received love from God himself. You can’t give love if you never knew love – Gods pure love.
Secondly, I will not merely rely on chance meetings and coincidence. I won’t will a relationship to succeed – I will pray it through. I will not pray the same either. I will pray “God, your will be done” and I will not pray “make this happen” “make so-and-so love me.” Those prayers within themselves are foolish.
Thirdly, I will take Gods will for me and compare it to Gods will for them. Is there anything to work with? I mean, If I know God wants me to start a ministry in Minnesota and have 5 children, I certainly wouldn’t persist in seeing a man who is sterile and lives in eastern Asia. I mean, you get the point here.
God is first this time go around. I will treat things differently, especially any man after my heart.
I have no problem waiting for the right man, at the right time, at the right place, and under the right authority.
November 28, 2011
John Hagee inspired me with a recent message on television. He said something to this effect: “If you meet someone with a torn and tattered bible, they rarely have a torn and tattered life”.
Well Hagee, I agree. That statement deserved a second chance in the limelight. It’s so true what he said there. If you have battles to fight, I would advise you to fight them on your knees. Every battle I have ever fought that way, I have overcome and have been the victor. So many carry these big bibles with the fancy bible carriers, yet not one single page looks turned, touched or even highlighted. Those people are the hypocrites in the churches. They are the ones that attend service every sunday and dont know why their lives are in shambles. It amazed me the amount of people that grow up in church and never get it. They never accept christ in their lives, or even venture to read the scripture that they have been holding for 15 years. Its like having a rule book for the biggest game of your life, instructions play by play, and supergluing the pages together. How then can you bet on the game? How do you expect to win? You may have the instructions, but you can’t get to them. Hello someone!
The bible is the most magnificent book in the world! You don’t read the book, the book reads you. Its lessons are based on where you are in life and in your heart. It amazes me the same verse days later means something completely different to me than days prior. That book is written and those living words read your heart. Why on earth would you not read it? You can read all those easy-reader-bible books because those are great instructions on HOW to read the bible. But when you really get into the words, they really get into you. They mold you. They seek out the areas in your life you are unsettled in, and they work within to fix it. If you are open to change.
My bible is..ahem.well.. I have 3 bibles. And I would advise this method. My very first bible was highlighted and dog eared like crazy in my younger years. My second bible – barely opened. My 3rd – well, we are working on a Monet masterpiece on every page. I am growing with my bibles. I can look back on the years I had book one, and find out where I was in life by what verses I underlined and pages I marked. I want a bible that I have to tape the pages back together. I want a bible that has blood, sweat and tears on the pages. That is my goal. A torn bible for a torn life. Not a bad trade in my book. Happy Sunday
November 28, 2011
Come as you are through the brokenness and scars. That is the best way to come to God.
If you know anything about broken bones, you know they can be fixed. When a bone is broken, it usually needs to be put back into place. Most times it’s forcefully, and painfully – though willingfully done. It is a process that must happen to heal. Another thing about a broken bone, when it is put back together, it will rarely ever break in that particular spot again. Medically speaking, when a bone is manipulated back into place – calcifications of bone begin to form, and make that bone 3x stronger than it was before.
Good stuff huh?
Also, with broken bones, though years healed – you can still see the break on X-rays. That break never goes away, though it healed. It marks us. A permanent memory within us. Chances are you remember how you broke it, when you broke it, and where. Gods process for breaking us in spirit is the same.
I want to be broken. I want you to look at me and see the breaks, and flaws in character. Because I do have those wounds. I am not the same. I am stronger now because of the break.
The thing about scars, is the wound heals but the mark is there forever. You will always have that mark on you – and when you look down at that mark may it remind you where you have been. The scars of the spirit act very much the same way. Though healed, they are there forever and you are made worse or better because of them. (the choice is yours)
Well God, I’ve been broken. Then you came and fixed me. I’m not 100 percent what I was before – and for that – I am grateful. I’m 100 percent for you now. And my scars? Oh I see them, I know them. I have my story, and because I look down and see those scars – I remember. I remember the process. I remember what you did for me. I remember how bad it hurt going through that process. But now I only remember the joy after it was all said and done.
November 26, 2011
For the first time in a long time I am on my own for the holidays. It’s been totally humbling. You know, when you find yourself by yourself – Just what do you do with yourself?
Funny way of putting it, but for me I’m not much for pity parties. “Woe is me” isn’t my style. Instead, I made this holiday season about other people. Giving. Truly giving for the first time. Not just because I had nothing better to do,and not just because it’s the right thing to do.. But giving because I really wanted to. And let me tell you, it’s been great. I’m starting to do this whole remolding process and carving the details.
I began a meals on wheels route for the holidays. That alone was humbling. Seeing how some people live – then seeing how I live really made me thankful for what I have.
I have to tell you, the first day I pulled up with my meals in tow – driving my bmw up to houses that couldn’t support the roof – I felt so foolish. Maybe it was just me seeing it that way, maybe it was God still breaking me down from my old ways of seeing things. I just got in my car afterwards and wept. I wept because of my self centeredness, my selfishness, my ignorance of the world around me. How unappreciative I had been. It made me so thankful and grateful for everything I have.
Then as I walked up door to door- I broke down again. The hands of the ill that can barely open their door, the wounds of the lonely that have no one to care for them, the family of 8 that lives in one room with a single mattress to sleep on and hardwood floors with no heat.
Humbled. I see what I have. I don’t mean material things or a nice home – though God has blessed me with plenty. What I saw was I have two able hands, two able feet, a mouth that can share kind words and heal the wounded of spirit. I have a smile that can brighten someones day. I can give those gifts freely. It doesn’t cost a thing.
November 23, 2011
Be Fishers of Men – Not of Fish (John 21:1-17)
Thank you God for bringing me back
Thank you God for reeling me in
To the sincere appreciation
Of being a true fisher of men
You made me thirsty for your flow
You made me hungry for your feast
I am willing and able now
To push onward piece by piece
So God I cast my words far off
And you will lead your hungry nearer
The line is baited for all to come
The murky deep – becoming clearer
I wait for you from dusk ‘til dawn
I do not tug at my own choice
More nibbles than the one true bite
That makes your heart truly rejoice
I know the task set out for me
I wait patiently by the waters bend
Carefully watching you stir your people
Thus I help you reel them in
November 22, 2011
It’s amazing that when I started telling my story – the sheer amount of people that begin to open their hearts to me and share their own personal trials. I can’t help but think that I am right where I am supposed to be. God places people in my life everyday that opens a new door to minister to someone. Show them that I care and that I do – in fact – understand their situations. Comparing situations with strangers seems somewhat peculiar, yet I have gotten my most fulfilling conversations out of them lately. I am truly amazed at how lives are so intertwined – though you would never notice it at all unless you spoke out.
Maybe that’s one of the lessons I need to learn. It is ok to hurt. It is ok to cry. Sometimes leaning on a strangers shoulder and unbiased ears is the best way to cope and mourn. I vow to not let any person walk into my life ignored. I vow to be a shoulder to cry on, and also be just as weak and vulnerable as I need to be to heal. When you try to be strong, you only hurt yourself. That single act alone can suffocate you. It falsely controls you. I am strong when I am weak. That is the best truism is I know.
I can’t wait to see who else walks in my life unexpectedly this week. Who else am I supposed to talk with? Who else needs to hear the story that is completely and individually mine? Who’s story do I need to hear?
This next phase is truly exciting.
November 21, 2011
Lead me and love me. Sometimes you gotta push and shove me. But my God above me knows what I gotta do. He can torment, he will shove. He will drag you from heaven above. Sometimes just what we need is a little tough love. My Jesus- he’s got that down. He tugs, and he pushes and he will drag you. but my God- he does it out of love. He sees further than I can see down here. He will push and shove and drag through love but let me tell you you’ll be better in the end. He will love you and he will give to you, and he will show you what you need to see – when you need to see it. He will push you to your limit. It will make you free. Once you’ve been dragged and beat. Trust me.
So lord go ahead…and beat me down, push me around, until my hard head turns into nothing in front of you. Because its all for you. I’m here for you- I know you’ll pull me through. You pushed me and I’m better now. Now that I know your will. I have purpose now. It’s all for you. Do what you want to do God. Do what you want to do.
November 20, 2011
One of CJ’s last attempts to save our marriage was a simple, single rose delivered to my house. At first, I didnt want it. I left it outside on the doorstep where it was delivered for a day, then eventually I brought it inside. I walked by that rose this morning and God spoke to me.
This is what he said:
Child, that rose sitting on your table was beautiful, but you have ignored it. You have walked by it several days now, not paying it any attention. It means nothing to you. The water is almost gone out of it, the stem needs trimming and sunlight cannot reach it so it can flourish. If you neglect that rose long enough, it will wilt and die. Never to be brought back to its fragrant, intended beauty.
You were like the rose.
You were so beautiful a person in the beginning of your marriage. Your pedals were shiny and perfectly arrayed. Your fragrance was lingering and sweet. Yet you were not given proper light. You did not get proper attention. You were in someones care that didn’t know how to nurture and properly care for you. There you began to wilt. I brought you back to life just before your final pedal fleeted and fell to the floor. I gave you water, love, and the attention you needed. I knew your needs, and I met them so that you could grow and flourish again. I brought you back to life. Now flourish. I am caring for you now.
Wow. Thanks God.